VCparents

Communication

A child who reaches age 21 without smoking, abusing alcohol or using drugs is virtually certain never to do so.

- Joseph A. Califano, Jr., Chairman and President, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University

According to research by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, adolescents who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than those who begin drinking at age 21.
Lack of parental support, monitoring, and communication have been significantly related to frequency of drinking, heavy drinking, and drunkenness among adolescents

Talk to Your Teen

It has been said that we spend a great deal of our lives running away from the dragon of our deepest fear. Legend has it that if we dare to stop running and confront the dragon we will find ourselves staring into the fiery eyes of a true friend. Communicating with your teen is something like that. First you need to lose your fear of the unknown. This particular unknown has some unsightly habits like slouching itself all over your living room furniture, wearing a permanent scowl and regularly asking you for money.

Do you remember the terrible twos? This is the expanded edition. That was just practice, this is for real. Point number one for the terrible twos was to somehow pierce the veil of awfulness engulfing your child and move right on through to the lovable center. This same point applies to teenagers. They are going to be unlovable and you're going to have to hold onto that thin thread of love that binds you to them and refuse to let go. Know that you will be tested. But wait, there is a counterbalance. Step two for the terrible twos: be firm. The same applies to the teenager.

So, the new language:
1. Don't be afraid
2. Love
3. Be firm

The first step in learning a new language is listening to it so that you can repeat it. If you don't listen to it you won't know how to make the sounds. Your first step in communicating with your teens is to be still, and listen without judgment or interruption. You are creating something out of nothing. Building from the ground up. You are making an environment where the child feels safe to talk to you. This is priceless. The process will be challenging and you will sometimes have to nod when you want to shake your head and keep your mouth closed and smiling when your instinct is to allow your jaw to drop open with disapproval and shock.

Your teenager cannot know that you are fighting these inner demons of judgment and dismay. If you have done any acting at college or at high school it will come in handy now. Never lose sight of the goal. No matter what, you are going to reinvent yourself into someone that is capable of understanding the world of your teenager. You're going to do this as an act of pure will. I know families where this communication was the only thing that came between them and the threat of suicide, addiction and self-destruction. When there is a gap in the conversation and you open your mouth, let it be, more often than not, to frame a question.

Communicating with your teen is not unlike interviewing Howard Hughes or approaching a deer in the wild. When you have worn a path into this new territory it will become safer to voice opinions but only when a magical thing has happened. This magical thing is evident wherever true communication takes place. It is respect, and it comes from really listening, really hearing what is being said. Going through this rigorous process of establishing a new basis upon which to communicate will benefit you for the rest of you and your family's life on this planet. The result is priceless and the teenage years are the right time to begin the work.

Gail W.
Boulder, Colorado

How to Talk to Your Teen

Teens deserve respect, and adults should give it to them and expect it from them. This includes a show of respect for their friends. Never berate or belittle teens in front of their peers.

Think about how often you ask teen-agers question and seek their opinions.
Understand that the bravado and boasting displayed by some teens can be a cover-up for insecurity. That adolescent boy or girl with the know-it-all attitude may be unsure of himself or herself and in search of your guidance.
Know it's never too early to talk. When should parents start talking about "tough issues," like sex, violence, drugs and respect? Experts, say the earlier the better. Because, the reality is that if you don't, someone else will. The only way you can ensure that your child knows what YOU want them to about these issues is to tell them yourself.
The little talks really add up. Don't focus on having really big meaningful talks with your teens. Focus on having smaller talks - and try to find everyday opportunities to talk at informal times. This will encourage your child to tell you what's going on in their lives and the tough issues they may be facing.
Know your family values. Before you begin to talk to your teen , ask your self a few questions. Like how do you feel about these issues and what do you want your kids to know? What are YOUR "family's values," your religious beliefs, your learned lessons in life? What did you learn from your parents that you want to pass along to your child? This is important to do because it will make your job a lot easier to do. Your values will give you the framework that you need in order to help your child to understand why you feel strongly about certain things.

When should I call my child's health care provider?

Call during office hours if:

You think your teenager is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away.
Your teenager is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving).
Your teenager has no close friends.
Your teenager's school performance is declining markedly.
Your teenager is skipping school frequently.
Your teenager's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent.
You feel your teenager's rebellion is excessive.
Your family life is seriously disrupted by your teenager.
You find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment.
Your relationship with your teenager does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches.
You have other questions or concerns.

Written by B.D. Schmitt, M.D., author of "Your Child's Health," Bantam Books.


	Learn More About Dealing With teens

	LINKS-LINKS-LINKS Check out these sites for much more info on dealing with teens. Use these sites to learn as much as you can but BE CAREFUL about using any services that may advertise on these sites. A good rule is to seek several opinions from local professionals before ever deciding what action to take with your teen. ---------------------------------------------- Learn to talk to your teen www.Timetotalk.org ----------------------------------------------- Ventura County Behavioral Health http://www.vchca.org/bh/index.htm ----------------------------------------------- Two Great local resources gethelpwithyourteens.com learnaboutdrugsandteens.com ----------------------------------------------- More resources for Parents www.marijuanaaddiction.info/index.htm This site contains an incredible amount of information on marijuana use and has links to sites covering most every other abused drug www.drugfree.org This is the best site for anyone wanting to lean more about drugs and teens. www.teenswithproblems.com This web site offers you some solutions and guidelines on how to deal with an adolescent who is having severe problems www.focusas.com BehavioralDisorders.html How can you tell if your teen's behavior is a problem? Could it be just 'normal teenage rebellion'? www.health.yahoo.com Help your teen to make good choices by understanding the daily pressures he or she must deal with. www.med.umich.edu How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion? www.webmd.com/mental-health Responding to teen substance abuse www.webmd.com/mental-health overview Dealing with teen substance abuse www.parentingteens.suite101.com Dealing With Teen Angst www.teensadvisor.com Communicating with Your Teen www.parentingteens.com Dealing With Teen Issues www.flyingcolours.org.uk Tips for dealing with Teens